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OK, so I finished chapter one in about an hour, big deal. I forgot that I already wrote it, so I tweaked it and here it is.

Chapter 1
Spoiler:
A snake-like creature falls to the ground, dead.
“I told you not to try it, now look at you.” The speaker was a young looking boy with unruly red hair, green eyes and a bloody sword in hand. “Why do they always think they’re ‘the one to bring me down’? They just die every time.” The boy walks on through a large forest of ashen trees. Suddenly, a man appears from the trees.
“Are you the famous Ziolang Hirasu?” The man says.
The boy sighs, “Yes I am, who’s asking.”
“The one who will bring you down from your high horse.”
“Yeah, like I haven’t heard THAT one before. Look, just leave before you end up like him.” Ziolang replies, pointing at the snake creature.
“Hah! Don’t take me so lightly! I have nothing in common with that weakli-” Ziolang was behind him with a sword in his chest.
“Except being dead. Why don’t they ever listen?” Ziolang continued waling. “Is it really the way we Demons are? Can our purpose be just that? I don’t want to kill them, but what choice do I have? Sigh… as soon as I find Masuke, I’ll have my answers.” He walks on and sees an old house that looks like it’s abandoned for years. “Home sweet home.”
Sorry the chapter's so short, I'm not much of a writer =/

I'm not sure if I'll continue the story or not, I'll leave that to you guys.
It is pretty interesting. I am wondering why they are trying to kill Ziolang.
But you should try making it longer.
(02-07-2010 06:24 PM)TheFallenOne Wrote: [ -> ]It is pretty interesting. I am wondering why they are trying to kill Ziolang.
But you should try making it longer.

I guess it was more of an intro than a chapter really. =/
Hopefully the later chapters will be longer and better... if I do later chapters =/
Totally continue this. Just try and add more desrciptions *it helps get in more paragraphs for longer chapters* like what Ziolang's wearing or whatever. It would boost the thickness of the intro and maybe the next chapter.
(02-07-2010 06:41 PM)crazEcaptain101 Wrote: [ -> ]Totally continue this. Just try and add more desrciptions *it helps get in more paragraphs for longer chapters* like what Ziolang's wearing or whatever. It would boost the thickness of the intro and maybe the next chapter.

Thanks for the advice, I'll try my best.
Update, and my first double post =O

I dug around on my computer and found all I needed for chapter 2, I'm posting it now because I feel bad about chapter 1 being so short.

Chapter 2
Spoiler:
Ziolang busted the door down, “Masuke! I’m home! Sorry about the door!” Inside was a little sitting room with a torn up couch and some poorly made paintings hanging from the walls. There were two doors in this room and a hallway. A brown haired head popped from the end of the hallway and disappeared. “That’s it? No hello? How rude.”
“Sorry,” came a voice from the end of the hallway, “I’m a little busy.”
“Ooh, is that bacon I smell?” Ziolang started to drool. He started down the hallway which had more of the crappy paintings of trees and stuff. At the end of the short hallway was the kitchen, which was completely immaculate. In the kitchen, there was a rack hanging from the ceiling with pots and pans on it. There was a table to the left and cabinets and a fridge to the right. Straight ahead was Masuke at the stove, flipping bacon. Masuke was big and muscular with a black t-shirt and brown kakis. He had scars all over him.
“Yep, I knew you’d be coming back today. You’re here earlier than I expected, so you’ll have to wait.”
“Ah, Masuke, you’re the only demon I know who likes cooking.”
“No I’m not, remember that one guy who used his cooking as weapons?”
“Oh yeah, it was fun watching you kill him.”
“Go set the table, I’m done.” Ziolang then proceeded to place dishes on the table. Masuke came over and placed bacon, fried potatoes, corn and country fried steak on the table. “Here we are. Now all we need are the chairs.” Masuke put his hands out and two chairs of solid ice appeared. “Dig in.”
“Yesh shir!” Ziolang said, his mouth already full of food.
“I can’t believe it’s been 50 years already, how was your training? I hear you’ve got a name for yourself.”
“My training was great; I’ve become at least thirty times stronger than I was when I left. My fire has never been hotter and I’ve gotten faster, too. I bet I could beat you now.”
Masuke was suddenly behind Ziolang with a spoon to his back. “I doubt that. You’re fast little brother, but not that fast.” He then walked back to his chair and sat down. They continued eating in quiet. Ziolang doesn’t look his cheery self, Masuke thought to himself. “Is there something wrong, Zio?”
“Something’s been bugging me. Being a famous big named demon isn’t what I thought it would be like. Just on the way here I bumped into four novice demons trying to get their own names heard. I told them to leave or they’d die, but they wouldn’t…”
“And so you killed them, so what’s the problem?”
“Why do we try so hard to kill well known demons? Why? What’s the point?”
“It’s the demon way, we fight and become strong and make our names.”
“But for what? We just become the next target of the other demons and have to constantly watch our backs.”
“Ziolang, I don’t know what to tell you, you may just have to find the answers yourself. This is the way we demons live; father was a great demon and his father and his. You should strive to keep the Hirasu name strong and feared.”
“Sigh, I just wish we didn’t have to live this way.”
“Ziolang, you think to much, just eat your food and entertain me with your stupidity, like you use to.”
“Yeah… OK… wait, you just call me stupid!? Oh it’s on now!” Ziolang made a fireball and hurled it at Masuke.
That’s the Ziolang I know.

-----------Outside the house-----------
“So this is the Hirasu house, let’s go visit.”
"This gonna be fun."

I hope you guys liked it.
Nice job! I really liked your improvement in story structure, and I like how it's turning out. I can't wait for the next chapter!
This was certainly better than your last chapter. I'm liking the story so far.
At the ending it said Charquil... Was it supposed to be Charquil or Ziolang?
This is a nice improvement in your work. I am waiting for the IMPROVED fighting scenes.
Thanks for noticing that, fallen. No, it's not Charquil. Fixed.

Thanks for all your comments guys, I'm feeling more confident writing now.

The "improved" fighting scenes are coming very soon.

(edit) Considering how much time I have for now, I may actually post daily, but don't attack me if I don't, this isn't official, just a possibility. Pretty much, I'll be posting whenever I can, which could be the whole story in a day all the way up to monthly(doubt it will get worse than monthly).
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