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Chapter 1: Come back, Psyduck!

Deep down in the dark, murky bottom of the swamp a Reptide and a Psyduck sat in the gloom. Suddenly a crane's arm flew down on them and snatched Psyduck from the Squirtle's arms. Then the crane's arm flew to the surface and the crane started to drive away! Squirtle swam to the surface of the swamp and started to run after the crane with a large red "R" emblazoned on it. Squirtle ran with all his strength but slowly and surely the crane was getting away from him. Squirtle used Bubble Beam on the crane's arm, still holding the petrified Psyduck, but no use. Squirtle slumped to the ground in despair. He had lost his life's true love. Then a little Pidgey came by and instantly Squirtle sprang on it in his frustration knocking it senseless.

As Squirtle threw the unconscious Pidgey's body into a ditch he vowed he would rescue his love from Team Rocket whatever it took.

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What do you think?

What happened to Reptide?
Where did Squirtle come from?
Pidgey-hate xD

I would suggest adding more detail, and build up on the bond between the two lovers before snatching it away. I dont mean a backstory, but gently describe how they look and feel or something BEFORE the snatch, to make it more...dramatic.

You havent really posted alot of material yet, so I cant give a good opinion of your writing, but keep it up anyway.

(19-07-2010 10:58 PM)Inzanhi Wrote: [ -> ]What happened to Reptide?
Where did Squirtle come from?
Pidgey-hate xD

I would suggest adding more detail, and build up on the bond between the two lovers before snatching it away. I dont mean a backstory, but gently describe how they look and feel or something BEFORE the snatch, to make it more...dramatic.

You havent really posted alot of material yet, so I cant give a good opinion of your writing, but keep it up anyway.

What? Reptide! I wrote this off the top of my head

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Rewrite
Chapter 1: Come back, Psyduck!

Deep down in the dark, murky bottom of the swamp a Reptide and a Psyduck gazed at each other. Reptide felt happier than he had ever been. It was always nice with this Psyduck. They sat happily together in the gloom. They were in love. Suddenly a crane's arm flew down on them and snatched Psyduck from the Reptide's arms. Then the crane's arm flew to the surface and the crane started to drive away!

Reptide swam to the surface of the swamp and started to run after the crane with a large red "R" emblazoned on it. Reptide ran with all his strength but slowly and surely the crane was getting away from him. Reptide used Bubble Beam on the crane's arm, still holding the petrified Psyduck, but no use.

Reptide slumped to the dusty forest ground in despair. He had lost his life's true love. Then a little Pidgey came by and instantly Reptide sprang on it in his frustration knocking it senseless.

As Reptide threw the unconscious Pidgey's body into a ditch he vowed he would rescue his love from Team Rocket whatever it took.

-------------------------

What do you think?
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